Official NAHMBA rules and scoring manual

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Getting Started

  1. Five Honkers per side. Differently colored pinneys should be available to distinguish teams, or you can play shirts vs. skins if you are feeling a little naughty. Please observe all local laws and ordinances in your area regarding allowable nipple exposure.

  2. The size of the Honk Pitch is variable based on the size of the available field and the height, age, and general disposition of the Honkers. It is recommended that Honkbag be played on grass. Preferably something nice and with a good breeze so that Honkers may be refreshed during the match. Downwind of an active barbecue is not mandatory, but will smell delicious. Vegetarian Honkers should note this before taking the pitch.

  3. A Regulation Honkbag should consist of two (2) garbage bags doubled-up to promote togetherness. Filling is variable. Honkbag filling should consist of as many squeaky toys as can be reasonably attained, plus some old towels or sheets and whatever unread Sunday newspaper is laying about. It is not recommended to use styrofoam filler, as the Honkbag may rupture during play and scatter those little peanuts everywhere, which is annoying. Old-fashioned bicycle horns are a must and can be acquired from your local cool toy store. Three bicycle horns per Honkbag. If playing with children or adults with sensitive shins/skulls, bicycle horns may be wrapped in paper or regular towels, provided the squeeze ball that provides the honking noise be free to move and gather the necessary air to honk. When the Honkbag is full, the NAHBA recommends grasping it from the top, spinning it clockwise, and then tying a double knot to keep the filler inside. A safety rubber band may be attached on top of the knot if you get nervous or something.

  4. Swatbats should be regulation whiffleball bats that are decorated to your liking. Other types of swatbats are acceptable, provided they are approved by the Ump-on-call. Swatbats should not be heavy enough so as to destroy the Honkbag with one or two swats, yet not light enough that they are not capable of moving the Honkbag a reasonable distance.

  5. You will need 23 or 24 yellow and orange cones. These are 23 or 24 cones that are yellow and orange. Four orange cones should mark the four corners of the pitch. Two more orange cones, placed five feet apart, should be placed on either middle end of the pitch. These are the goals. Fifteen yellow cones are to be dispersed around the field as indicated on the chalkboard. These are the defensive positions.

  6. The Ump-on-call will keep score on his official NAHBA clipboard. If this is asking too much of the Ump-on-call, and there is some other schmuck just sitting around doing nothing, a scorekeeper may be deputized. Constant and clear communication between the Ump-on-call and the deputized schmuck scorekeeper is a must.

Honking the Bag

  1. Two teams will be formed before every match. These teams will consist of however many people you want, but only five people on each team get to take the pitch at once. Substitutions may be made during possession changes only.

  2. Each match will consist of two 7 minute halves. Halftime festivities are up to the players and fans in attendance. Please observe all local laws and ordinances in your area regarding allowable nipple exposure.

  3. The game begins with a coin flip to determine who begins the game at offense and which side of the field they will defend. One coin flip will decide this, as two coin flips is just too many.

  4. The team that begins the game on defense will take their positions on the field. One person per yellow cone. The team that begins on offense will tee off from inside their own goal. Offensive players are permitted to roam the pitch freely.

  5. Points are awarded per honk. One honk equals one point, and will be counted by the Ump-on-call by holding the appropriate number of fingers in the air. The Ump-on-call is the final authority on the Honk count.

  6. Points are accumulated as long as the Honkbag remains unintercepted by the defense. Honkers on offense may pass the Honkbag between themselves to move the Honkbag up the pitch and towards the opposing goal. The defense may swing at an approaching Honkbag, but may not leave their cone. A body part must remain in contact with a yellow cone, or that person will be guilty of a Honkfoul and will be instructed to stand quietly and not attempt to intercept the Honkbag until possession changes.

  7. Should the offense move the Honkbag down the pitch and through the goal, the score counted will be the number of accumulated honks plus 5 points for the goal.

  8. Defensive interceptions will consist of the Honkbag significantly changing course or stopping as a result of a defensive swat.

  9. Possession also changes if the offense moves the Honkbag outside of the sidelines. Points will transfer accordingly.

  10. Should the defense intercept the Honkbag, the accumulated points shall switch to their side. For example, if Team A is on offense and accumulates four honks before getting intercepted, Team B will receive those 5 points plus however many points they accumulate after taking control. This will become clearer as time goes on.

  11. The accumulated points tally will return to zero after two consecutive interceptions or out-of-bounds infractions. For example, if Team A is on offense and their Honkbag is intercepted or the Honkbag travels out-of-bounds, their points go to Team B. If Team B is then intercepted or they move the Honkbag out-of-bounds, no one will receive any points for the progression and the score count begins again from zero.

  12. When a Honkbag is intercepted, the offense has five seconds from the Ump-on-call's signal to scramble to an unattended defensive pylon. If any player does not reach a pylon after the five seconds, that person will be guilty of a Honkfoul and will be instructed to stand quietly and not attempt to intercept the Honkbag until possession changes.

  13. Following a goal, the team scored upon will regain possession by teeing off from inside their own goal.